March 30, 2025
Leading up to today, I thought for sure that I am pregnant. My last period was since February 26th, it's been over a month.
I was so disappointed to see blood stain in my bottom garments when I went to the bathroom this early Sunday morning.
Audrey invited me to make cookies for much and mingle this morning but I asked for a few minutes of pondering before I could help. I wanted to connect with the Lord first. I wanted to hear his voice. I was so disappointed that I was not pregnant. I knew that I will be at some point but I was really hoping it to be sooner. Hoping for this year's due date to give me time for tax season preparation. Every month I check I get disappointed and we have been trying and maybe we are trying too hard.
Last night, I sat beside my bed, my face resting on both of my hands, feeling down and trodden. Scott came into the room and asked me what was the matter. I lifted my teary eyes and told him that I am scared. "What are you scared about?" he asked. I said I am old and I could be pregnant, I feel like I am pregnant, my period hasn't come, it's been late 4-5 days. I was so concerned that if I was pregnant now, I am too old and what and how am I going to do tax season this coming spring? He gave me a hugged and comforted me. We are in this together.
So that was last night, then of course, I was proven wrong when I saw the blood stains. I went to my office to pray and ponder and I was trying to find answers in my solace. I asked the Lord to speak to me through the scriptures. After I prayed, in my heart i said, "ok Lord, I am going to flip my scriptures open, please help me find answers."
I flipped open to page 125 of the Triple combination in Doctrine and Covenants. I looked to see it had both section 67 & 68. I decided to start on 67. I never got to section 68, it was the Lord's answer for me, section 67.
Verses 2-4 hit me to the very center. The Lord has his eyes on me. Though I believed I would get pregnant, I did not received the blessings offered because "I had fear in my hear." This is the very reason I did not receive, in other words, as long as I didn't trust the Lord and fear the consequences of pregnancy, I would not receive this blessing.
Wow, did I ever have much to repent for. The Lord knows me alright. I needed to repent and ask the Lord to forgive me and to have the Lord take away my fears.
In verse 4, the Lord himself is testifyng of the commandment that was given to me - to bear a child.
Verse 10, I got the message that the blessing to be pregnan t is a "privilege" and I have been ordained in this ministry of motherhood. If I were humble and be stripped of fears, I shall come to know the power of Christ.
Verse 13 says I am to continue in patience. When I saw that my period came, I was disappointed. I was ready to storm the room over to where Scott was who was still asleep and to tell him to forget it. Forget about trying to conceive. It was too stressful. I could just move on with my life and enjoy my freedom, play pickle ball whenever I want to, go for a run, travel, and be free.
I thought I had one miscarriage so I am being extra careful, but every month, I am not pregnant I felt frustrated.
Verse 14 says "Let not your mind turn back, and when you are worthy, in Mine own DUE time, ye shall see and know which was conferred upon you (visions)."
Again, I have much to repent, though I wanted to oben, I had not fully trust the Lord in the process and his time line.
My prayer went like this:
"Yes Lord, I am ready to be a mother again. I am trying to follow your command. Can we possibly get pregnant to have a due date in Oct, Nov, or December? December at the latest so it's before tax season at least."
Today, I undesrtood from His counsel through the scriptures that I did have fears, I believed but did not trust the Lord completely.
Now my prayer changed to
"Yea Lord, that are my captain. Though knowest and sees the future. Help me trust in thee. You can do the impossible and I have seen it in my life. I don't care anymore Lord, we can have an April 15th due date, it doesn't matter anymore (tax deadline) for thou are might and will provide a way."
I am grateful for his tender mercies. The Lord is trying to help me resolve my own cocnerns as he always had in time past. I am humbled that the Lord always knows my needs and I have much to work on.
I showed Scott section 67 as we were getting ready for church. He was floored. Definitely felt chastised and humbled also since the night before he was just comforting me about my fears.
